I TESTED POSITIVE AND ....

HEADWRAP BY SPRINKLE DAZZLE COLLECTIVE

📸 PHOTO BY GIULIAVASTA PHOTOGRAPHY FROM THE RISE OF THE WILD WOMAN RETREAT CREATED BY PHOENIX WHITE CREATING WITHIN IRACALIXTO

reflections from 9.04.2020

tested positive + there was nothing found.

the immense amount of stress + nervousness that filled my body to capacity.

bleeding fluctuating uncontrollably.

still managed to pack a bag just in case i needed to stay for a few days.

protecting others i neglected to tell anyone but one person of my whereabbouts.

upon arrival i sat in isolation afraid of what the outcome may be.

was it what i thought.

could it be worse.

did this even happen.

am i trippin’.

i remember shivering uncontrollably.

temp set on a high frigid chill.

pricked 8 times.

my body refused to be present during this moment.

veins collapsing + no longer able to be found.

i was told to just wait here + they will come get me to take me up.

we elevate.

you can hear the sound of a pin drop.

hallways so dark.

‘ma’am you can wait here + i will get you when you’re done’ coming from a masculine voice what seemed to be fading away.

here comes the intense part.

‘excuse me ms. may i call someone?’ i could barely stutter the words from my mouth.

and immediate ‘no’ rolled off her lips + covered my ears.

whew baby that’s cold.

tool in hand.

heart racing.

ears met again with an unfulfilled response.

her soft voice said ‘they will tell you the results when you reach hell.’

hell, yes that is what it felt like.

pure hell as we took that trip back downstairs.

mind racing.

heart beating excessively fast.

‘ok ok calm down’ is all i could soothe myself with.

i was greeted with the news of ‘negative results + nothing was found in your ultrasound.’

‘but how….’ was all i could think about.

confused.

baffled.

sad.

hurt.

the ultimate feeling of failure in human form.

and the list goes on + on + on + on.

how did i not protect you.

how could you be gone gone.

two days later they confirmed that it was all true + you were no longer in my physical being.

but you now live in my soul forever more.

#miscarriagesucks

mommi loves you immensely,

princess ROYALTY AMARI MADISON

ps. the last 365 days of this life journey experience has been one of the biggest + meaningful moments in my life. it has definitely changed the way i move + operate. i am fueled with even greater passion for life + doing things for Royalty’s legacy to be shared with the world!

peace + gratitude,

-xo mzAprilLynne